What to discuss in advance, what to remember in the process and how to behave after.
BDSM practices can diversify your intimate life , reveal new facets of sexuality and help you get new sensations. But in order for the process to be enjoyable for all participants, it is important to approach the practice wisely and discuss all the nuances in advance. We asked a sexologist how to prepare for BDSM so that everything goes well.
It is generally accepted that BDSM is a kind of sex, but this is not entirely true. In some cases, BDSM is not related to intimate interaction at all. For example, during shibari , flagellation participants may even be dressed up.
If you decipher the abbreviation, several practices are hidden under the letters. They can be separate from each other or in combinations with each other.
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BD – Bondage & Discipline (bondage and discipline) – role-playing games and practices with restriction of freedom, bondage, spanking, “electrosex” and more.
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DS – Domination & Submission (dominance and submission) – role-playing games and practices based on the dominance of one and the subordination of the other, involving punishment, humiliation.
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SM – Sadism & Masochism (sadism, masochism, sadomasochism) – role-playing games and practices associated with the pleasure of inflicting and experiencing pain.
There may be some BDSM elements in “regular” sex: spanking, spitting, holding, fixing, feigning suffocation, not allowing orgasm without permission, “humiliating” positions (for example, when one kneels in front of another). Another type of BDSM is primalism. People behave “like an animal”: sniffing, licking, scratching, biting, “fighting” for power.
It is very important to understand that outwardly BDSM can look like violence – physical, psychological, sexualized. But what distinguishes it from real violence is the discussion, the mutual consent of all participants and the possibility of each of them to stop the game at any moment.
Why might people be interested in BDSM practices?
The desire to engage in BDSM practices has not been sufficiently studied by science. However, interest has been on the rise in recent years. In 2020, a study appeared on the relationship of trauma and attachment type with interest in BDSM. Scholars suggest that many practitioners have experienced sexual trauma in the past. They also noticed that the type of attachment affects the roles participants take on. Thus, the secure type of attachment was more often associated with dominance, while the anxious-avoidant type was more often associated with submission.
Based on private practice, the range of causes is wider.
Curiosity and desire for variety
People go to BDSM to experience a new emotional, tactile, sexual experience. With the help of practices, they reveal their sexuality and explore sensations that have not been experienced before.
Desire to get in touch with other roles
For example, the head of the company comes to BDSM to “rest” from responsibility. He passes it on to another person. It also happens the other way around: a person who feels unfulfilled resorts to BDSM practices in order to “win back” his superiority, to feel power.
Predisposition of the individual to dominance or submission
In social life, personal relationships, a person can take the role of dominant or subordinate. If it suits him, then in sex practices he may want to stick to the role.
Sexualization of trauma
Injuries that generate interest in BDSM may not necessarily come from childhood or sexual experience. A person could experience the strongest excitement during a fright or after treason. Because of the experience, he could have a kink of humiliation from his partner.
Social Attitudes
Sometimes social roles and upbringing influence sexual preferences. For example, a girl was brought up in the paradigm “a decent girl should be modest and not initiate sex.” Then the woman may have a kink to the game of rape. She, as it were, shifts the responsibility to the “rapist”, while remaining “modest and good.”