What to do if sex disappears from your relationship

What to do if sex disappears from your relationship

Don’t panic, it happens. The main thing is to find out the cause and try to eliminate it.

You are in a relationship, but at one moment the sex disappeared somewhere, even though the partner is here, next to you. It’s cruel and unfair, but it happens. The main rule is to fantasize less, clarify more.

Make sense of the situation

Sometimes the temporary absence of sex is not a sudden difficulty, but a logical consequence of what is happening. For example, you just recently had a baby and now both are not up to sex, to improve sleep. Or are you both under a lot of stress .

If the amount of sex has decreased, and all the participants are not up to it now, nothing terrible happens. You just need to wait until this period ends. If the desire (at least you) is, but there is no sex, then we must admit: you have a problem and you need to deal with it.


Often people themselves think something out, but do not talk with a partner. This is understandable: many couples feel uncomfortable talking about sex . But talking is power. It is he who helps to know for sure what the problem is.

Instead of saying “You don’t satisfy me” or “You are a bad lover” (accusation), share your condition with your partner: “I feel unsatisfied (s)”, “I want sex so much!” or more modestly: “I miss your caresses so much.” And add a sentence on what to do about it: “Let’s talk about it?”.

“Feel free to recall some dizzying sex from the past:“ Like then, remember. You just drove me crazy.” This will allow the partner to hear your need, feel needed and desired. The offer of dialogue will give him the opportunity to express himself. Building a further conversation, be guided by these rules, even if your partner behaves differently, ”advises the psychologist.

You can give your partner time to prepare and ask when it would be convenient for him to talk. If in response to the question “What is happening?” you hear only “Nothing” – it is not a conversation. You need to insist on a detailed answer. If your partner dodges in every possible way, explain that you are determined to talk and clarify everything, even if you have to overcome awkwardness.

It is also important to try to be as sincere and open as possible. Hiding and hiding is a failed strategy for such conversations.

Remember the basic rules for such conversations:

  • Use I-statements.
  • Talk about your feelings and experiences.
  • Do not rush to conclusions.
  • Be delicate.

The process of sharing emotions and worries can be healing in itself. The main thing is to start.

Don’t blame yourself

The absence of sex in a couple is an unspoken agreement accepted by both parties. Therefore, I suggest not to be tormented by guilt, because when we want to make amends for it, we do more for the partner than is necessary, we make concessions more often, and your partner wins twice: he not only avoids intimacy, but also receives additional bonuses for this. Deep inside you understand the dishonesty of this situation and accumulate irritation. So guilt will not help you.

Sexual desire is flexible and mobile, it is influenced by different things: from the state of the hormonal background to the degree of load at work. And it’s not at all a fact that the reason is in you. Therefore, there is no need to look for the one who is to blame. We must decide what to do.

Find the reason

Sex education expert Emily Nagoski draws attention to the fact that a person’s sexual desire is controlled by the brain with the help of a simple “gas-brake” system.

Emily Nagoski
Sex education expert, author of books and scientific publications.

There is a gas pedal in the brain that responds to sexual stimuli: everything we hear, see, smell and taste what we feel, what we touch, what we imagine – and what our brain is used to associate with sexual arousal.

There is also a brake in the brain that reacts to possible threats: again, everything that we hear, see, smell and taste what we feel, what we touch, what we imagine – and what our brain is used to interpret as a reason to suppress arousal.

There is no sudden loss of sex drive for no reason. It can be anything:

  • health problems;
  • drug reaction;
  • depression;
  • grief;
  • pregnancy or childbirth;
  • lack of confidence in yourself and your body;
  • chronic stress at work;
  • financial difficulties.

Or maybe the partner is just tired of taking the initiative himself and is waiting for you to show it. In other words, there are many options.

Think about possible changes

The main task is to remove the factors that interfere with attraction. Think about what you as a partner can do to change the situation.

Emily Nagoski points out how contextual the stimuli are that make people feel (or not feel) sexual desire when the problem is lack of emotional connection and support.

Emily Nagoski

Imagine that you are watching your partner load the washing machine. If in this relationship you feel supported and emotionally connected, then such a sight can cause you erotic thoughts.

But if you are unhappy with the fact that, say, lately you have had to do the laundry mostly, then you just think: “Well, finally!” – and no sexual fantasies.

If the problem is somewhere in the spectrum of team interaction, you can not leave everything as it is and wait for the return of sex as a matter of course. It is worth showing more care and involvement in the life of a partner: meet after work and talk about how the day went, share household tasks, go to a new movie together that he has long wanted to watch. Sometimes even a cup of tea brewed on time is a significant gesture of support.

be patient

In one case, it is enough to change oral contraceptives , which suppressed libido, and the desire will return. In another, it will take time, new emotions and a redistribution of responsibilities. Desire may not come immediately. All you have to do is wait and be open to sex.

Stop worrying about sex schedule instability

Always the same amount of sex in a couple is an almost unrealistic situation for living people. A person is not a sex machine, a lot of things happen in life that affect intimacy. And this is the norm.

If a couple does not have sex for some time, this does not mean that it will always be like this now. Everyone can experience stress, autumn blues, or poorly selected antidepressants.

The opinion that there is more sex in free relationships, and in marital relationships it dies – this is just one of the myths. Sexual activity fluctuates even within a year, rising in summer and falling in winter with a surge on New Year’s holidays, to say nothing of a longer period of time.

Relationships do not give unlimited access to the partner’s body. Sexual life is a matter of consent, agreements and individual preferences. If you both want to continue the relationship and have sex, treat the temporary lack of intimacy as a quest in which you are one team and must pass the test together.