What to discuss in advance, what to remember in the process and how to behave after.

BDSM practices can diversify your intimate life , reveal new facets of sexuality and help you get new sensations. But in order for the process to be enjoyable for all participants, it is important to approach the practice wisely and discuss all the nuances in advance. We asked a sexologist how to prepare for BDSM so that everything goes well.

It is generally accepted that BDSM is a kind of sex, but this is not entirely true. In some cases, BDSM is not related to intimate interaction at all. For example, during shibari , flagellation participants may even be dressed up. 

If you decipher the abbreviation, several practices are hidden under the letters. They can be separate from each other or in combinations with each other. 

• BD – Bondage & Discipline (bondage and discipline) – role-playing games and practices with restriction of freedom, bondage, spanking, “electrosex” and more. 

• DS – Domination & Submission (dominance and submission) – role-playing games and practices based on the dominance of one and the subordination of the other, involving punishment, humiliation. 

• SM – Sadism & Masochism (sadism, masochism, sadomasochism) – role-playing games and practices associated with the pleasure of inflicting and experiencing pain. 

There may be some BDSM elements in “regular” sex: spanking, spitting, holding, fixing, feigning suffocation, not allowing orgasm without permission, “humiliating” positions (for example, when one kneels in front of another). Another type of BDSM is primalism. People behave “like an animal”: sniffing, licking, scratching, biting, “fighting” for power. 

It is very important to understand that outwardly BDSM can look like violence – physical, psychological, sexualized. But what distinguishes it from real violence is the discussion, the mutual consent of all participants and the possibility of each of them to stop the game at any moment. 

Why might people be interested in BDSM practices?

The desire to engage in BDSM practices has not been sufficiently studied by science. However, interest has been on the rise in recent years. In 2020, a study appeared on the relationship of trauma and attachment type with interest in BDSM. Scholars suggest that many practitioners have experienced sexual trauma in the past. They also noticed that the type of attachment affects the roles participants take on. Thus, the secure type of attachment was more often associated with dominance, while the anxious-avoidant type was more often associated with submission.

Based on private practice, the range of causes is wider. 

Curiosity and desire for variety

People go to BDSM to experience a new emotional, tactile, sexual experience. With the help of practices, they reveal their sexuality and explore sensations that have not been experienced before. 

Desire to get in touch with other roles

For example, the head of the company comes to BDSM to “rest” from responsibility. He passes it on to another person. It also happens the other way around: a person who feels unfulfilled resorts to BDSM practices in order to “win back” his superiority, to feel power. 

Predisposition of the individual to dominance or submission 

In social life, personal relationships, a person can take the role of dominant or subordinate. If it suits him, then in sex practices he may want to stick to the role. 

Sexualization of trauma

Injuries that generate interest in BDSM may not necessarily come from childhood or sexual experience. A person could experience the strongest excitement during a fright or after treason. Because of the experience, he could have a kink of humiliation from his partner.

Social Attitudes

Sometimes social roles and upbringing influence sexual preferences. For example, a girl was brought up in the paradigm “a decent girl should be modest and not initiate sex.” Then the woman may have a kink to the game of rape. She, as it were, shifts the responsibility to the “rapist”, while remaining “modest and good.”

How to invite a partner to try BDSM?

If the couple has trust and good communication, there should be no difficulties. You can talk about wanting to try BDSM just like any other new practice. For example: “I would be interested in trying bondage, what do you think about it?”

If you are embarrassed to voice your desire, you can “create a single information field” or a common context in which it will be more comfortable for you to start a conversation. Here are a couple of hacks: 

Say that you heard about the practice you are interested in from a specialist, blogger, friends. This way you can discuss views on the practice with your partner. You can ask questions: what do you think about it? What do you think motivates people to practice this? Would you like to try? What attracts you to this? And what scares, disturbs?

Listen to a lecture on the practice together. After that, you can discuss what you heard, share your impressions and desire to try. Lectures can be found both offline and online. 

Go to a theme party. Often at such parties, kinky shows are arranged. You can watch and participate in various practices, and you decide whether or not to have sex. 

Suggest visiting a themed hotel. If there are such people in your city, perhaps its surroundings will contribute to mutual interest in BDSM practices.  

What to do if the partner refuses?

Remember that “no” means “no”. This applies to any sex practices, and especially BDSM. Don’t put pressure on your partner. No need to persuade, try to insist on your own – this is psychological violence.

If BDSM practices are critical to you, you need to consider how comfortable you are in relationships with each other in general. Do not persuade your partner or adapt to him to the detriment of yourself, your principles and values.

When should you not try BDSM practices?

You don’t know the person well

You should not try BDSM practices with a partner whom you do not trust, with whom you know little or nothing. If you see a person for the first time in your life and have not spoken out all the nuances, the experience can leave a negative impression. 

If you still decide to try BDSM with a partner you don’t know well, it’s better to meet at the hotel. There, if something happens, you can call for help and they will be able to provide it to you. 

The partner does not listen to your desires

You should not practice BDSM with a partner who dominates “from the threshold”, ignores your preferences and does not discuss the rules of the “game”. This is a serious “bell” – you should not try to practice with this person. It may even be worth analyzing whether the person is simply in a dominant role or you are dealing with an abuser. It is better to run away from a partner who demands from you what you do not want.

BDSM is always an interaction in which both are interested. It takes into account the desires and unwillingness of both. All participants should enjoy the process. If someone does not like it, any interaction should be terminated on demand. 

My partner and I decided to try BDSM. What should be discussed beforehand?

Practices

Discuss what exactly you will try. For example, if you are interested in spanking, agree on where spanking is acceptable and where it is not. With what intensity and strength there will be slaps, what devices will be used. Both participants must be aware of what will happen in the process. 

You should not try practices that are obviously dangerous to life and health, like asphyxia , especially if you have no experience. Start gradually. Do not try to “shove the unimpressible” into one session. To begin with, it is better to choose the most understandable and interesting practices for you. 

Contraception

Discuss which methods of contraception you will use. Ideally, both of you should have STD-free certificates.

expectations

Discuss what each of you expects from this or that practice. How do you see it, what meaning does each of you put into your actions? What will you do if expectations are not met? Are you trying again or giving up? 

Taboo and stop letter

Say what exactly should not be in practice and which stop word you will use. In BDSM practices, the stop word is especially important, since it may not always be clear at what point a person becomes uncomfortable. 

Care After 

Discuss what you will do after practice. Someone wants hugs and strokes. It is important for someone to receive feedback, perhaps even in a specific form – thanks, compliments. Someone needs to bring tea and talk. Some after BDSM require “regular” sex. Discuss whether there will be a “continuation”, that is, whether you will have sex and if so, how. 

What should be kept in mind during the process?

The dominant may periodically ask if the partner is comfortable continuing. If you want to change something in the process, be sure to check with the subordinate. Don’t do anything you don’t get consent for.

If you are a subordinate, listen to your feelings. If suddenly the practice began to bring discomfort, do not endure through force, do not be afraid to interrupt it. 

How to competently complete BDSM practice?

Sometimes during BDSM sessions, a person can become anxious. He is covered with emotions, he wants to cry or even curl up under the covers. There may be depression, guilt, shame. It may be related to deep feelings. Often this happens after humiliating practices. 

Physical problems may also arise – for example, pressure changes, fatigue, hunger, thirst appear. Such a state can arise due to exhausting practices. Therefore, you should not skimp on care and affection after practice – sometimes you need to feed, drink, put to bed. 

In any case, at the end it is necessary to discuss your impressions and feelings. You can also discuss what you liked and what you no longer want to try. 

I didn’t like doing BDSM practices. What could be the matter and is it worth trying again?

Every time before or during practice, listen to yourself. Does this interaction resonate with you? You should not make global conclusions, observe your states at the moment. Sometimes it is worth changing something in the practice and its execution so that you enjoy it. 

Even if you feel discomfort by changing something before or during practice, you should not force yourself to go further. It is possible that this type of interaction simply does not suit you.