What to discuss in advance, what to remember in the process and how to behave after.

BDSM practices can diversify your intimate life , reveal new facets of sexuality and help you get new sensations. But in order for the process to be enjoyable for all participants, it is important to approach the practice wisely and discuss all the nuances in advance. We asked a sexologist how to prepare for BDSM so that everything goes well.

It is generally accepted that BDSM is a kind of sex, but this is not entirely true. In some cases, BDSM is not related to intimate interaction at all. For example, during shibari , flagellation participants may even be dressed up. 

If you decipher the abbreviation, several practices are hidden under the letters. They can be separate from each other or in combinations with each other. 

• BD – Bondage & Discipline (bondage and discipline) – role-playing games and practices with restriction of freedom, bondage, spanking, “electrosex” and more. 

• DS – Domination & Submission (dominance and submission) – role-playing games and practices based on the dominance of one and the subordination of the other, involving punishment, humiliation. 

• SM – Sadism & Masochism (sadism, masochism, sadomasochism) – role-playing games and practices associated with the pleasure of inflicting and experiencing pain. 

There may be some BDSM elements in “regular” sex: spanking, spitting, holding, fixing, feigning suffocation, not allowing orgasm without permission, “humiliating” positions (for example, when one kneels in front of another). Another type of BDSM is primalism. People behave “like an animal”: sniffing, licking, scratching, biting, “fighting” for power. 

It is very important to understand that outwardly BDSM can look like violence – physical, psychological, sexualized. But what distinguishes it from real violence is the discussion, the mutual consent of all participants and the possibility of each of them to stop the game at any moment. 

Why might people be interested in BDSM practices?

The desire to engage in BDSM practices has not been sufficiently studied by science. However, interest has been on the rise in recent years. In 2020, a study appeared on the relationship of trauma and attachment type with interest in BDSM. Scholars suggest that many practitioners have experienced sexual trauma in the past. They also noticed that the type of attachment affects the roles participants take on. Thus, the secure type of attachment was more often associated with dominance, while the anxious-avoidant type was more often associated with submission.

Based on private practice, the range of causes is wider. 

Curiosity and desire for variety

People go to BDSM to experience a new emotional, tactile, sexual experience. With the help of practices, they reveal their sexuality and explore sensations that have not been experienced before. 

Desire to get in touch with other roles

For example, the head of the company comes to BDSM to “rest” from responsibility. He passes it on to another person. It also happens the other way around: a person who feels unfulfilled resorts to BDSM practices in order to “win back” his superiority, to feel power. 

Predisposition of the individual to dominance or submission 

In social life, personal relationships, a person can take the role of dominant or subordinate. If it suits him, then in sex practices he may want to stick to the role. 

Sexualization of trauma

Injuries that generate interest in BDSM may not necessarily come from childhood or sexual experience. A person could experience the strongest excitement during a fright or after treason. Because of the experience, he could have a kink of humiliation from his partner.

Social Attitudes

Sometimes social roles and upbringing influence sexual preferences. For example, a girl was brought up in the paradigm “a decent girl should be modest and not initiate sex.” Then the woman may have a kink to the game of rape. She, as it were, shifts the responsibility to the “rapist”, while remaining “modest and good.”

How to invite

Don’t panic, it happens. The main thing is to find out the cause and try to eliminate it.

You are in a relationship, but at one moment the sex disappeared somewhere, even though the partner is here, next to you. It’s cruel and unfair, but it happens. The main rule is to fantasize less, clarify more.

Make sense of the situation

Sometimes the temporary absence of sex is not a sudden difficulty, but a logical consequence of what is happening. For example, you just recently had a baby and now both are not up to sex, to improve sleep. Or are you both under a lot of stress .

If the amount of sex has decreased, and all the participants are not up to it now, nothing terrible happens. You just need to wait until this period ends. If the desire (at least you) is, but there is no sex, then we must admit: you have a problem and you need to deal with it.

talk

Often people themselves think something out, but do not talk with a partner. This is understandable: many couples feel uncomfortable talking about sex . But talking is power. It is he who helps to know for sure what the problem is.

Instead of saying “You don’t satisfy me” or “You are a bad lover” (accusation), share your condition with your partner: “I feel unsatisfied (s)”, “I want sex so much!” or more modestly: “I miss your caresses so much.” And add a sentence on what to do about it: “Let’s talk about it?”.

“Feel free to recall some dizzying sex from the past:“ Like then, remember. You just drove me crazy.” This will allow the partner to hear your need, feel needed and desired. The offer of dialogue will give him the opportunity to express himself. Building a further conversation, be guided by these rules, even if your partner behaves differently, ”advises the psychologist.

You can give your partner time to prepare and ask when it would be convenient for him to talk. If in response to the question “What is happening?” you hear only “Nothing” – it is not a conversation. You need to insist on a detailed answer. If your partner dodges in every possible way, explain that you are determined to talk and clarify everything, even if you have to overcome awkwardness.

It is also important to try to be as sincere and open as possible. Hiding and hiding is a failed strategy for such conversations.

Remember the basic rules for such conversations:

• Use I-statements.
• Talk about your feelings and experiences.
• Do not rush to conclusions.
• Be delicate.

The process of sharing emotions and worries can be healing in itself. The main thing is to start.

Don’t blame yourself

Sexual desire is flexible and mobile, it is influenced by different things: from the state of the hormonal background to the degree of load at work. And it’s not at all a fact that the reason is in you. Therefore, there is no need to look for the one who is to blame. We must decide what to do.

Find the reason

Sex education expert Emily Nagoski draws attention to the fact that a person’s sexual desire is controlled by the brain with the help of a simple “gas-brake” system.

And make the process as pleasant and comfortable as possible.

Worrying about reaching an orgasm, the state of your body, or problems at work can all interfere with a healthy intimate life. Scientific studies and sex educators explain why difficulties arise and how to relax during sex. 

What can make it hard to relax during sex

Sex education based on fear 

Psychotherapist Rachel Wright believes that conversations about sex often focus not on pleasure, but on what not to do. According to the specialist, much more often we are told how not to get an STI or an unwanted pregnancy. Because of this, we begin to fear sex, because it supposedly goes hand in hand with various dangers. Therefore, in the process, people may think not about pleasure, but about the harm that intimacy can bring. 

Influence of porn 

According to Rachel Wright, people who have not received sex education turn to pornography for help . However, films for adults, according to the expert, are created for entertainment. Learning to have sex from pornography is not worth it – it creates unrealistic expectations. Because of this, anxiety about their skills can develop. As a result, it is more difficult to relax during sex.

Diffidence

A study published in the Journal of Sex Research found that about a third of female students become uncomfortable  during sex. Reason: They didn’t like the way their body looked. Shyness and complexes made it difficult to enjoy sex and get an orgasm. 

According to Rachel Wright, sometimes self-doubt manifests itself due to the fact that a person considers himself a bad lover . He worries that he does not get an orgasm himself or cannot please his partner. The specialist says that if you focus on these fears, they will only grow. And if you ignore them or push them away, then during sex you will be even more tense. 

Everyday problems 

Household chores, which are still mostly done by women, problems at work and other everyday difficulties increase the level of stress. Because of this, girls have a reduced libido and it is more difficult for them to focus on sexual arousal. 

Sexualized violence in the past 

Rape Crisis England & Wales, an organization fighting sexualized violence, believes that violence can affect sex life. Unpleasant memories pop up in the head of the victims, and some actions are perceived as triggers. 

How to Relax During Sex 

Talk to a partner 

A study by American psychologists shows that couples who openly discuss their needs and desires maintain a healthier sex life. According to the survey, women who talked more with their partner about sex were more likely to reach orgasm. 

Rachel Wright advises to talk openly about your feelings and experiences. For example, if you are nervous that it will take a long time to reach an orgasm or not reach it at all, share this with a partner. According to the specialist, voicing feelings will help normalize them, and negative thoughts will not be confusing during sex. 

masturbate

Research shows that masturbation can actually improve relationships with the body and sexuality. With the help of masturbation, you can understand which practices are more pleasant for you during sex, what positions you like, in which place it is more pleasant to touch. If you learn how to act alone, sex with a partner can be more enjoyable. You will feel more confident and less stressed in the process. 

Rachel Wright suggests adding fantasies about a partner to masturbation. The expert believes that this is how the brain will get used to the fact that it can be as comfortable with a partner as it is alone with yourself. 

Try Self Acceptance Practices

If you’re concerned about how you look, you can try the practice described by sex educator and author of The Way a Woman Wants, Emily Nagoski.

Stand in front of a mirror as naked as you feel comfortable and look at your reflection. Then write down a couple of things you like about your body. Even if it’s the little things like eyelashes or the shape of toenails. Repeat the practice every day, noticing something new. Over time, Nagoska says, you … Read the rest